The “terrible twos” – “the threenager”
These words have been around for decades to describe the behavior of toddlers.
It’s no wonder why … toddlers begin to learn that they are not apart of you. They start realizing that they aren’t “one with you”. You may notice that they are starting to long more independence.
According to Jamie Glowacki author of “Oh Crap Potty Training” and her newest book, “Oh Crap I have a Toddler”, children around the age of 3 start to go through a process called “individualization”. It is the idea that your child is beginning to realize that they are their own person. They begin to realize that they have their own freewill and choice.
They begin to learn that they are their own being, mind, with their own thought processes. This is very similar to the same process that a teenager goes through as they are trying to find out who they are separate from the family and who they want to be. Hence, the term “threenager”.
So, as parents, how do we learn to manage all the feelings, emotions, and thoughts that are spewing out of your toddlers and well frankly children?
Here are 5 mistakes that I’ve made when it comes to my toddlers behavior.
1. Remember Their Basic Needs:
I’ll never forget listening to Jamie Glowacki’s podcast and hearing her discuss basic needs. She was pretty firm (for good reason) on the fact that parents need to make sure their children have their basic needs met. It is a parent’s job to make sure their kid is well fed, well rested, and has their basic needs met.
The other morning I walked out into the kitchen to my husband making breakfast (YEAH!) and my son at the table with an iPad (a hard no at our house- no screens at the table). My husband just motioned to me to let it go – obviously things hadn’t been great this morning.
My husband and I both knew that my son’s less than happy attitude had more to do with the fact that breakfast was ready over an hour later than he normally eats. It was on us this morning that he was in bit of a mood today.
I know it’s hard to adjust your day around nap time and meal times but it really is so important for kids! If they are hungry or tired they are going to let you know it in the worst behavior!
2. Share Your Calm:
I’m a teacher- a special education teacher that works with kids that have been identified as having social/emotional needs. They have huge feelings. They show it all and are still learning social emotional cues. As a mom I have two toddlers, with huge emotions and no idea how to manage it all.
I have to regularly find my calm and share it with them. To be honest as a teacher, most of the time its not too difficult. I’m able to help them by offering a sensory output or input need, reminding them of their deep breathing, and/or helping them label their emotions.
However, as a mom it’s harder … mainly because it’s personal. They are my own children (and not that I don’t love my students) but it’s different connection and love with my own children.
Especially because by the time I get with him my patience have run super thin. It’s my job to be calm, a voice of reason, and help him learn how to mange all of his emotions.
This is when we need to make sure we are getting in our own dose of self-care to help support our personal needs. We also need to have a big “tool box” we have to have things to offer to our children when those meltdowns happen. Some of the things that I find best help my toddlers are deep breathing “games” (lets pretend to blow up a balloon”, removing them from an environment to a place that’s quieter, and giving a sensory need like a hug or holding them.
If you are looking for more calming ideas to add to your “tool box” please check out my post below with 40 ideas to help children and toddlers find their calm!
3. Setting Boundaries:
In the classroom you’ll see and hear boundaries all day long. Here are some examples of boundaries from my classroom: breaks are only 5 minutes long, you can only choose from 5 items for your break choice, or if you throw a toy or learning tool you won’t get to use that tool anymore.
We need to set boundaries for our kids at home the same way. It might sound or look like this:
- Before we get ready for bed you need to pick up your toys for the day.
- I will help you get calm but I won’t talk with you while you are screaming at me.
- You can get out of the stroller and walk, but if I say “freeze” and you don’t stop walking, you’ll go back in the stroller.
Our kids crave boundaries and limits, it’s our job to set them.
4. Follow Through with Your Consequences:
This summer at the pool there was a mom with her preschooler. He was splashing in the baby pool and running around the pool. She was sitting on the edge of the pool telling him, “we are going to leave.” You need to quit splashing and running around or we are leaving! His behavior continued and they didn’t leave.
Now I’ve done this before, I’m not perfect and if you’ve done this before it’s okay. It’s not necessarily easy to follow through on our consequences when the consequence is something we want to do as well. So be thoughtful with your consequences.
However if you set a boundary (this mom did which is awesome), and your child isn’t following said boundary it’s your job to follow through on said consequence. If you said they won’t have their “night snack”, you are going to leave, or they don’t get to watch their show then that’s exactly what has to happen when they push the boundary. You are in charge and they have to know it.
5. Make Specific Positive Praises
“Good job!”
“That was great!”
“You are Awesome!”
These are all common compliments that toddlers (kids) hear. But they don’t really give any information to the child about what they did that was awesome, good, or great. We have to be specific with our kids. They are still learning so much about our language, vocabulary, and social cues … so the more specific we can be the better!
Recently, my husband has been struggling with our son. I suggested he make more specific positive praises to him and low and behold- it’s making a difference! Specific praises sound similar to this:
- “Thank you for setting the table for dinner- that is very responsible.”
- “I like the way you took off your shoes when we got home.”
- “I’m proud of you for taking your quiet time in your bed today!”
These specific praises mean more to your child as they are learning what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. The more specific you can be while praising your children the better they will be at following your directions and knowing what to expect next time.
There you have 5 things you could be doing that are impacting your toddler’s behavior. I hope these tips can help you be a better parent to your little one! Please let me know what tip you found most useful in the comments below, and of course don’t forget to share this with a friend who is parenting a toddler!
Love, Ashley E
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