Manners: How to Teach Them to Toddlers

Written By: Ashley McCargish

 

“Use your words.” Its a simple phrase that I first heard from the lead kindergarten teacher my first year of teaching. I loved it and started using it with my students. I didn’t just love the simple phrase.

 

I loved the idea that I could ask children to use their words to describe what their needs are, to identify their wants, or to let others know how they are feeling. Over the course of the school year I taught children how to use their words, expand on their language, and to use manners when speaking.

 

I know now that saying “use your words” isn’t enough for kids especially for toddlers. They may not even have the words or know the words to use. They might not even have the emotional stability to use their words to express their needs. We now know that children need more modeling, vocabulary exposure, and more support with what language to use (and when).

 

The same thing is true with manners! Our kids don’t know how or when to use manners. This is why we are here to help teach, support, and encourage them about manners.

 

In this article you will learn: what manners you should expect your child to use, when your child should begin to use manners, and some activities to support teaching manners.

   

Why should I teach my child manners?

 

If your child has manners they are more likely to “be known as trustworthy, considerate, and kind.” According to Dr. Pier Massimo Forni, professor and co-founder of the Civility Project at Johns Hopkins, and author of Choosing Civility: The 25 Rules of Considerate Conduct.

 

He goes on to say, “Nice guys finish first if they are also smart and poised. We are attracted by this kind of person. We are attracted by someone who is a good listener. We trust this person and we want to associate with this person.” You can read more about him here.

 

You should teach your child manners because it will help them learn to respect themselves, their peers, and other adults. It will help them to show empathy and consideration towards others.

 

What manners should I expect my child to use?

 

 

There are lots of ways that people including children can show manners. Let’s also not forget that sometimes social graces like using a tissue for your nose is considered having manners!

 

So which manners do we focus on in the early years?

 

I think all kindergarten teachers would be quite pleased if children came into school with knowledge of appropriately using (a tissue), please, and thank you!

 

Children can also show manners by waiting their turn, sharing with others, keeping their hands to themselves, and cleaning up after themselves. We are building the blocks of teaching these skills all the time with our kids. We are always working on strengthening these skills with our young children.

 

Let me tell you a quick story to help illustrate the use of manners with children. Today I was in the pool with my son (17 months). He had a bucket and some toys that we had brought with us to play with in the water.

 

A few minutes after we took his toys into the pool two sisters came up to play with his toys. They were much older than my son probably 4 and 7 (maybe older). They proceeded to take the toys away from my son without even a word spoken to us.

 

It comes back to manners. I don’t mind if other children play with our toys at the pool. I do mind when they take them from my child who is already using them. The girls never said anything to myself or my son. It shows a lack of social skills which tie closely to manners. This showed a lack of using kind words and sharing with others.

 

When should my child start using manners?

 

Language begins early, we know that babies in the womb can hear and recognize their mother’s voice. They can also begin to recognize voices that they regularly hear.

 

Babies will also learn what words and phrases mean well before they are able to articulate (or speak to you). This means that they are picking up on all the language (words that are manners) that you use from the day (and even before) they are born.

 

I start sign language with my children around 6 months. This is also about the time that I start introducing sitting at the table with the family and baby food (or baby led weaning). This allows me to easily introduce words that are associated with meal times like milk, more, all done, and please.

 

My children have both picked up on this sign language and started using it appropriately around 10-12 months. My 17 month old still uses sign language. He is also says some words but mainly its a combination of sign language and talking.

 

Children are not going to start using words like please, thank you, excuse me, or you’re welcome without hearing it appropriately used by their caretakers. The earlier you begin to teach it the more that they will use it in their speech and language. My three year old who has been using these words since the age of 1 (or before) still needs reminders today.

 

It will take years for your child to appropriately use manners every time they should but just be consistent and patient. They will eventually get it and when they do you’ll be the proudest parent on the block!

 

How do I teach my toddler or preschooler manners?

 

1. Give them Sentence Starters

 

We should give kids the words to use to help them. They might say “I want a snack” and you will say, “Mommy (or mom), may I have a snack please?”. In the beginning I would say the whole sentence for him to repeat. He can now say the whole sentence with just a reminder of the person he is addressing or a question of who are you talking to?

 

It is important that we are modeling children to speak in complete sentences to help them form language skills over time. When we have the expectation set for them to use complete sentences they will learn that and start doing it on their own.

 

Remember that is isn’t expected that a child will say multiple sentence words (using 3 or 4 word sentences) until age 3 so if your child isn’t there yet it is okay. Always talk to your child’s pediatrician if you are concerned about their language development.

 

2. Model for Them

 

Don’t forget that if you are expecting your child to use them, you should be too! You need to be using manners with other children you speak to in front of them and others that your regularly converse with.

 

Our children are going to speak to and treat others the way we do. My husband and I have a pretty respectful way of speaking to each other. We regularly thank each other for simple tasks for example, if he brings me something I need or helps out around the house.

 

This allows our son to hear when it is appropriate to use words like please, thank you, and your welcome.

 

3. Activities for Teaching Manners

 

Books

 

If I’m reading to a baby or young child and the character in the book isn’t using manners, I add them in! I’ll have the character appropriately use the words that I want my child to use. Sometimes as my children get older I’ll leave the manners out to see if the child notices. This allows for more discussion about when and how we should use our manners.

 

We should also make a point to discuss how it made someone else feel if the character did or did not use their manners. It might sound like, “Oh I see the mom is sad because the girl wasn’t using her nice words.” Then that gives my child an idea of how their words might influence the way that someone else feels. These are the very beginning stages of teaching people about emotions, empathy, and understanding others.

 

A few great books that would help teach manners are: The Rabbit Listened By Cori Doerrfeld, Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners By: Stan & Jan Berenstain, and Excuse Me!: A Little Book of Manners By: Karen Katz.

   

Toys

 

My children love the “Little People” toy sets. We have the farm, house, train, bus, firetruck, and more! They are great for open ended play (my kids get to make up the stories). But they are also great for teaching manners. I can have the people interact using their manners within the play. We can discuss the connections that they build when they use manners with each other.

 

We also use manners when driving around toy cars, playing doctor, and the kitchen set!

 

Games

 

Games are a great way to teach manners and social skills to young children! They are full of lessons on waiting your turn, accepting that you won’t always win, sharing, and showing good sportsmanship! It can be hard for toddlers to learn that its not always about them!

 

If you need some more games for toddlers check them out, I have a post of 8 great ones we regularly play!

 

 

 

 

4. Praise Your Child for Using Manners

 

Praising our child for using appropriate manners encourages them to continue to use manners! This shows them that you are paying attention to the words they are using and makes them feel valued. When children know that you are paying attention to the words they use and praising them for it they are likely to continue doing the behavior.

   

The key with anything (especially with toddlers and children) is consistency. Now my three year old has it down and I am regularly am told by others how he is very polite. It is important that children are able to “use their words” to identify their needs and wants. However we must be consistent with our expectations and our modeling to help them get there.

 

Love, Ashley E

 

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